I’m grieving. I’m grieving for who my husband was. What we were together. The life plans we worked so hard towards that will not happen. I’m grieving while he is still alive. I feel crazy but I also feel it is normal.
And then there is a flip side. The ability to see Heaven while walking in Hell.
What does that mean? It means I’m grateful in the midst of being angry..
In my previous blog I wrote about my anger. I’m not ashamed either to share what I feel. To be lost in a losing battle creates anger. It’s unhealthy to bury the emotional toll of this journey, denying yourself a safe place for release.
Think pressure cooker… too much pressure can create an explosion so sometimes you have to use the manual release. For the time being- this blog is my personal pressure cooker.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is in the midst of releasing anger is it frees your mind to see your blessings. I have to focus on the blessings so I don’t lose myself in this final journey with him. No matter how big or small.
I have been blessed that I’ve spent over 30 years loving the one who loves me. The one who will love me until his last breath; leaving me to love him for the rest of my life.
Plus, I truly am grateful our roles are not reversed. Not because I fear illness but more so I’m thankful he will not experience the trauma of watching me deteriorate.
I am blessed thus far as my husband is the sweetest; he isn’t angry. His primary focus is the same as it was before the diagnosis: sleep, food & smoke. I consider this a gift; making it easier emotionally for me to process the inevitable. When they are angry- your heart gets shattered a million times but they don’t know or in fact really feel the hurtful things— but you absorb it. So grasping for the good is the goal.
I recognize daily this walk is more emotional than my prior ones. I believe it’s due to me having him to lean on before; I wasn’t alone. But now, who do I lean on?
Since 2020, I recognize and celebrate the positives. I didn’t know it was dementia. I thought mid-life crisis or depression. I crumbled when the neurological tests showed his brain had shrunk. While this happens to all of us eventually with age – my beloved is younger than most which means dementia was the last thing we suspected.
My husband has loved me his entire life. He has always provided, protected & defended our life, love & family. He still tries to be My McGyver, my fix it guy & he makes sure to tell me even now that he appreciates me & loves me.
Fun fact: I hate people standing over my shoulder and it is something he does now out of curiosity; while his presence hovering over me increases my anxiety & irritates me – the flip side is I’m grateful he is still mobile.
Another blessing is when cooking a meal with him being up and around is nothing less than Stressful; we are so blessed that our neighbors & life long BFFs bring portioned prepared meals that I can warm up in the microwave for him in seconds. Relieving his impatience for dinner and keeping my blood pressure in check. See, the flip side!
When I took early retirement to care for my folks, I bought my husband the Harley of his dreams. He is no longer able to drive but I am beyond thankful for our son in law who will take my husband out for road Therapy. My son in law will also watch him occasionally long enough for me to destress with a much needed massage…
I’m grateful to my kids who visit, who come for or invite us to dinner. For their initiative of a Vacation being coordinated so memories can be captured & not to mention having multiple support allowing for me some desperately needed reprieve.
I’m eternally grateful for those who send me texts or email, funny clips & inspirational quotes. My daily devotion is delivered by one of the most precious souls I’ve ever known.
life always has a flip side…. my hope is may you be able to see the blessings while walking through your storms.
Thank you for being here & reading. I would love to hear about your flip side experiences or your caregiver experiences.
til next time ~
the domesticated rebellion
or aluminum foil then layer with the entire sleeve of saltine crackers. Single layer please.
Remove from oven to cooling rack & allow to cool COMPLETELY. (Speed up the cooling process by putting in the freezer for a couple of minutes.) When ready, break into pieces & just try to not eat the entire batch in one sitting! While not the luxurious toffee enjoyed & sold in candy stores & boutiques across the country, it is a budget saver in the pinch of the moment with toffee-ish flavor.
BTW, there isn’t a ‘single’ stand alone recipe inspiration for this goody as I read several; however, I will say it was only after visiting 
of 3 lemons they’re not tart. 
your dry ingredients together in a 
.
cold butter into your dry ingredients until you get a crumbly mix.
sprinkled slightly with flour.
. Problem with the microwave is it seems to dry out my potato. It’s not fluffy. The outside becomes tough and chewy. In other words ~ YUK!
When the secret was revealed I might have squealed just slightly at the simplicity. Shhhhh, that’s our secret mkay? 😉
! That’s it. Salt. See the picture, the outside is coated in salt after being washed. The salt draws the moisture to the outside and magically turns it crispy. (It’s not magic, its science but hey – tomatoe tomato.) I mean it isn’t ‘fryer’ crispy but it isn’t tough n chewy. #score
bag, add your potatoes and microwave! Actually, let your salted potatoes sit, covered with salt for at least 30 minutes. Then 
. Luckily there isn’t much guess-work since most microwaves have a baked potato setting already programmed, so follow your 
directions accordingly.
The toppings for a baked potato are endless! This night, I used the typical butter, sour cream, chives and cheddar which paired nicely with smokey 
chicken breast and parmesan crusted zucchini bites but full disclosure is I have been known to go all fajita style or Bar-B-Que Bacon Ranch & Chicken making one into a full meal deal! #EasyPeasy
, YES please!) I enjoy making sweet but healthy breakfast dishes that ‘fill us up’ without ‘filling us up’ for dinner.
)
over all for a light sweet addition to the oats. Definitely a meal deal on evenings when its still topping at a whopping 108 outside!
Making sure the cover would lock to keep critters out, ensuring airflow ~ I felt good about my recycling endeavor and started filling the drum with kitchen scraps & garden trimmings, turning it daily as I had interpreted from the pic. Payday happened at the beginning of Spring 2018 when my efforts were rewarded with beautiful black rich soil! WHOOT! I was so excited at my success! 🙂 As soon as it was warm enough that black gold was spread over every single raised bed, used in all my pots and even layered in some ground areas. Anticipation grew as I soon started seeing little sprouts everywhere. Yay! I was all happy with myself; maybe I do have a green thumb… HaHaHa, If Only! Ya see, all the sprouts were IDENTICAL. Every pot. Every bed. Every spot I used my black gold had the exact same sprout. 
These lovelies were paired with 
bring the flavors & textures of outdoors inside without feeling the heat!
Rebel-ish 