Losing battles with life

Today’s topic are the battles I fight inwardly. The one that says I’m not good enough, the one that says I’m not strong enough, the one that says I won’t survive this time.

My inner battle is self-doubt, anger, anxiety and guilt. My brain constantly asks “Am I doing enough?” Even though I do it all & have done it before- I still question if there’s more. I still question if I’m missing anything and I still question if I am doing it right- that’s the battle that goes on every single day in my head as I care for my love with dementia.

I struggle with anger. Anger at this disease, guilt that turns to anger because I didn’t recognize things sooner, anger that my soulmate is just disintegrating in front of me – anger of the norm being people walk away & anger that I have to hold other peoples hands while I go through this to make it more bearable for them. Anger at what I’m losing and anger for time I’m gonna miss out on with my love.

Did I say I was angry?

Angry that the life we envisioned will never materialize, and that there will come a day where I have to go alone. I’ve been married well over half my life – I don’t know how not to be married. I don’t know how to look at the future and I sure as hell don’t know how to let go.

I’m lost in this battle. The end result no matter my efforts will inevitably be what it is. Try as I might to pray it away, feed it away, smoke it away- I look into his eyes and see; it’s not going anywhere.

Accepting this fate is like giving up. Denial isn’t an option either. Hope is empty.

I didn’t start this blog as a personal saga. I started it to find the voice I lost after my journey with my folks. The bonus was my learning to cook from scratch. However, I’m lost again so I pray to find myself once more thru writing and maybe community.

If you know anyone that is a caregiver for someone in the “long goodbye” – offer a hand. Call. Visit. Take the trash out. Cook dinner. But don’t leave. This disease takes so much out of the one being left behind.

Thanks for reading.

Til next time ~
Domesticated Rebellion