Recognizing Gifts during grief

I’m grieving. I’m grieving for who my husband was. What we were together. The life plans we worked so hard towards that will not happen. I’m grieving while he is still alive. I feel crazy but I also feel it is normal.

And then there is a flip side. The ability to see Heaven while walking in Hell.

What does that mean? It means I’m grateful in the midst of being angry..

In my previous blog I wrote about my anger. I’m not ashamed either to share what I feel. To be lost in a losing battle creates anger. It’s unhealthy to bury the emotional toll of this journey, denying yourself a safe place for release.

Think pressure cooker… too much pressure can create an explosion so sometimes you have to use the manual release. For the time being- this blog is my personal pressure cooker.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is in the midst of releasing anger is it frees your mind to see your blessings. I have to focus on the blessings so I don’t lose myself in this final journey with him. No matter how big or small.

I have been blessed that I’ve spent over 30 years loving the one who loves me. The one who will love me until his last breath; leaving me to love him for the rest of my life.

Plus, I truly am grateful our roles are not reversed. Not because I fear illness but more so I’m thankful he will not experience the trauma of watching me deteriorate.

I am blessed thus far as my husband is the sweetest; he isn’t angry. His primary focus is the same as it was before the diagnosis: sleep, food & smoke. I consider this a gift; making it easier emotionally for me to process the inevitable. When they are angry- your heart gets shattered a million times but they don’t know or in fact really feel the hurtful things— but you absorb it. So grasping for the good is the goal.

I recognize daily this walk is more emotional than my prior ones. I believe it’s due to me having him to lean on before; I wasn’t alone. But now, who do I lean on?

Since 2020, I recognize and celebrate the positives. I didn’t know it was dementia. I thought mid-life crisis or depression. I crumbled when the neurological tests showed his brain had shrunk. While this happens to all of us eventually with age – my beloved is younger than most which means dementia was the last thing we suspected.

My husband has loved me his entire life. He has always provided, protected & defended our life, love & family. He still tries to be My McGyver, my fix it guy & he makes sure to tell me even now that he appreciates me & loves me.

Fun fact: I hate people standing over my shoulder and it is something he does now out of curiosity; while his presence hovering over me increases my anxiety & irritates me – the flip side is I’m grateful he is still mobile.

Another blessing is when cooking a meal with him being up and around is nothing less than Stressful; we are so blessed that our neighbors & life long BFFs bring portioned prepared meals that I can warm up in the microwave for him in seconds. Relieving his impatience for dinner and keeping my blood pressure in check. See, the flip side!

When I took early retirement to care for my folks, I bought my husband the Harley of his dreams. He is no longer able to drive but I am beyond thankful for our son in law who will take my husband out for road Therapy. My son in law will also watch him occasionally long enough for me to destress with a much needed massage…

I’m grateful to my kids who visit, who come for or invite us to dinner. For their initiative of a Vacation being coordinated so memories can be captured & not to mention having multiple support allowing for me some desperately needed reprieve.

I’m eternally grateful for those who send me texts or email, funny clips & inspirational quotes. My daily devotion is delivered by one of the most precious souls I’ve ever known.

life always has a flip side…. my hope is may you be able to see the blessings while walking through your storms.

Thank you for being here & reading. I would love to hear about your flip side experiences or your caregiver experiences.

til next time ~
the domesticated rebellion

Losing battles with life

Today’s topic are the battles I fight inwardly. The one that says I’m not good enough, the one that says I’m not strong enough, the one that says I won’t survive this time.

My inner battle is self-doubt, anger, anxiety and guilt. My brain constantly asks “Am I doing enough?” Even though I do it all & have done it before- I still question if there’s more. I still question if I’m missing anything and I still question if I am doing it right- that’s the battle that goes on every single day in my head as I care for my love with dementia.

I struggle with anger. Anger at this disease, guilt that turns to anger because I didn’t recognize things sooner, anger that my soulmate is just disintegrating in front of me – anger of the norm being people walk away & anger that I have to hold other peoples hands while I go through this to make it more bearable for them. Anger at what I’m losing and anger for time I’m gonna miss out on with my love.

Did I say I was angry?

Angry that the life we envisioned will never materialize, and that there will come a day where I have to go alone. I’ve been married well over half my life – I don’t know how not to be married. I don’t know how to look at the future and I sure as hell don’t know how to let go.

I’m lost in this battle. The end result no matter my efforts will inevitably be what it is. Try as I might to pray it away, feed it away, smoke it away- I look into his eyes and see; it’s not going anywhere.

Accepting this fate is like giving up. Denial isn’t an option either. Hope is empty.

I didn’t start this blog as a personal saga. I started it to find the voice I lost after my journey with my folks. The bonus was my learning to cook from scratch. However, I’m lost again so I pray to find myself once more thru writing and maybe community.

If you know anyone that is a caregiver for someone in the “long goodbye” – offer a hand. Call. Visit. Take the trash out. Cook dinner. But don’t leave. This disease takes so much out of the one being left behind.

Thanks for reading.

Til next time ~
Domesticated Rebellion