I’m grieving. I’m grieving for who my husband was. What we were together. The life plans we worked so hard towards that will not happen. I’m grieving while he is still alive. I feel crazy but I also feel it is normal.
And then there is a flip side. The ability to see Heaven while walking in Hell.
What does that mean? It means I’m grateful in the midst of being angry..
In my previous blog I wrote about my anger. I’m not ashamed either to share what I feel. To be lost in a losing battle creates anger. It’s unhealthy to bury the emotional toll of this journey, denying yourself a safe place for release.
Think pressure cooker… too much pressure can create an explosion so sometimes you have to use the manual release. For the time being- this blog is my personal pressure cooker.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is in the midst of releasing anger is it frees your mind to see your blessings. I have to focus on the blessings so I don’t lose myself in this final journey with him. No matter how big or small.
I have been blessed that I’ve spent over 30 years loving the one who loves me. The one who will love me until his last breath; leaving me to love him for the rest of my life.
Plus, I truly am grateful our roles are not reversed. Not because I fear illness but more so I’m thankful he will not experience the trauma of watching me deteriorate.
I am blessed thus far as my husband is the sweetest; he isn’t angry. His primary focus is the same as it was before the diagnosis: sleep, food & smoke. I consider this a gift; making it easier emotionally for me to process the inevitable. When they are angry- your heart gets shattered a million times but they don’t know or in fact really feel the hurtful things— but you absorb it. So grasping for the good is the goal.
I recognize daily this walk is more emotional than my prior ones. I believe it’s due to me having him to lean on before; I wasn’t alone. But now, who do I lean on?
Since 2020, I recognize and celebrate the positives. I didn’t know it was dementia. I thought mid-life crisis or depression. I crumbled when the neurological tests showed his brain had shrunk. While this happens to all of us eventually with age – my beloved is younger than most which means dementia was the last thing we suspected.
My husband has loved me his entire life. He has always provided, protected & defended our life, love & family. He still tries to be My McGyver, my fix it guy & he makes sure to tell me even now that he appreciates me & loves me.
Fun fact: I hate people standing over my shoulder and it is something he does now out of curiosity; while his presence hovering over me increases my anxiety & irritates me – the flip side is I’m grateful he is still mobile.
Another blessing is when cooking a meal with him being up and around is nothing less than Stressful; we are so blessed that our neighbors & life long BFFs bring portioned prepared meals that I can warm up in the microwave for him in seconds. Relieving his impatience for dinner and keeping my blood pressure in check. See, the flip side!
When I took early retirement to care for my folks, I bought my husband the Harley of his dreams. He is no longer able to drive but I am beyond thankful for our son in law who will take my husband out for road Therapy. My son in law will also watch him occasionally long enough for me to destress with a much needed massage…
I’m grateful to my kids who visit, who come for or invite us to dinner. For their initiative of a Vacation being coordinated so memories can be captured & not to mention having multiple support allowing for me some desperately needed reprieve.
I’m eternally grateful for those who send me texts or email, funny clips & inspirational quotes. My daily devotion is delivered by one of the most precious souls I’ve ever known.
life always has a flip side…. my hope is may you be able to see the blessings while walking through your storms.
Thank you for being here & reading. I would love to hear about your flip side experiences or your caregiver experiences.
til next time ~
the domesticated rebellion
Rebel-ish 